So I’m chatting with my 14-year-old daughter after school yesterday, excited to share Emma Watson’s wonderful UN speech on gender equality. We google it to watch together, and this pops up: Emma Watson Threatened with Nude Photo Leak After Speaking Out About Feminism.

Horrific, no? But at least it sparks a good discussion on the hows and whys of people who would react to Watson’s words in such a pathetic manner. My girl and I dismiss the haters and listen to the speech, proud of our Emma, optimistic about the future.

A few minutes later, I scroll across a headline about Ashley Judd, another avowed feminist: Braless Ashley Judd Wears Skintight Dress, Reveals Incredibly Toned Abs. I call my daughter back in, and ask her to think of female celebrities she admires or has heard call themselves feminists. We google these women, curious to see what the last few weeks’ headlines reveal:

*Jennifer Lawrence Steps Out in Malibu in Short Shorts, Sends Powerful Message With Her Shirt

*Taylor Swift Thinks She’s a Rock Star as She Falls to Her Knees on Stage at iHeartRadio Music Festival

*Emma Stone Braves the Rain to Grab Her Morning Coffee

*Beyoncé Vs. Jenny From The Block: Booty Moves Edition! Who Did It Better?

*Surprise! Ellen Page Has Amazing Abs: Here’s the Sexy Photo to Prove It

*Miley Cyrus’ Bad Taste Trifecta

*Kerry Washington Outdoes Her Usual Radiance With Two Bright New Dresses In NYC

*Tina Fey’s Kids Had a Playdate with the Children of Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch

Huh. “Let’s do it for guys now!” my daughter says, so we try again, this time googling male celebrities who’ve declared themselves feminists:

*Joseph Gordon-Levitt Made A Video About Feminism And It’s Awesome

*Daniel Radcliffe earns national treasure status as he pays back two-year-old cab fare debt

*John Legend gives his all in KL concert

*Louis C.K. Was Right About The Cloud All Along

*Ashton Kutcher Is Already Going To Be A Great Dad… And Here’s The Proof You Can WATCH!

*Prince Harry Hugs Sick Boy In Emotional Embrace

*Thousands of protesters, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, join People’s Climate March

*Ryan Gosling Is “Infatuated” With His Baby Girl, but He and Eva Mendes Are Understandably “Exhausted”

*Jay Baruchel and Matthew Good’s Mysterious Collaboration

*Patrick Stewart Surprises Trekkie Who Has Life-Threatening Illness With Out-Of-This-World Visit

Now, I get that most of these headlines come from entertainment news or celebrity gossip sites, and I’m cool with the fact that they’re not “hard” news items. But in all of these headlines, female celebrities are either a) objectified [based on abs/booty/outfit]; b) rendered benign [drinking coffee/wearing a shirt/watching babies]; or c) slammed for “inappropriate” behavior [acting like “a rock star”/displaying “bad taste”].

Significantly, from these same “news” outlets, male celebrities are uniformly presented as active, admirable participants in their own life trajectories. They’re earning, collaborating, surprising, joining, and giving their all. Even the family-focused headlines laud Kutcher for a job he’s not yet performed, and Gosling for persevering through a few newborn sleepless nights. 

Which leads one to wonder — if Ryan’s so sleep-deprived, is Eva even breastfeeding? If so, that’s gross, and if not, how selfish! And hey girl, even Feminist Ryan Gosling can’t wait around forever for you to shed that extra baby poundage. 

So squeeze back into those short shorts, grab yourself a [non-fat!] latte, and trade in those teats for a set of good, old-fashioned tits. Because as far as the media are concerned, the business of women is business as usual. Trust me. I googled it.

My tips to get you out of volunteering, on today’s HuffPost.

The Truth Hurts.

The Truth Hurts.

Tags: parenting

Sadie whiles away a Sunday afternoon.

Me [wearing twinset, holding laundry basket, shaking head as kids lap kitchen island on way out door]:
"As a busy mom, I know how important shortcuts can be. That’s why I make dinner and laundry a snap with new Cook-Dri™. Simply wrap one raw garlic clove in a dish towel, toss into the dryer with a full load of laundry, and walk away! Return an hour later to nicely-browned garlic and heavenly-scented clothing!"
[off camera: “Mom! We’ll be late for soccer!”]
Me [knowing nod, swiping keys from counter]: “Coming! Just starting dinner!”
Cook-Dri™: Dinner. Duds. Done.®

Tags: parenting

Parenting

1. Scream at teenage son.
2. See FB pics of cousin taking daughter to college.
3. Open first letter from high school college counseling office.
4. Cry.
5. Scream at teenage son.

Tags: parenting

Rare footage of the migratory species known as WABs (White American Beachgoers), retreating from their notable annual rite, The Holiday Greeting Card Photo Shoot. Members perform ablutions before appearing on the designated evening, donning traditional tribal dress of white tops (collared for men, modest scoop-neck for women) and khaki bottoms (pleated or flat-front, often embellished with colorful canvas belts). WABs then gather in an outward-facing, motionless cluster, rictuses frozen in an approximation of happiness, until, by tradition, a younger initiate begins to openly weep, or an elder (generally male) succumbs to cravings for scotch and a restroom.

Rare footage of the migratory species known as WABs (White American Beachgoers), retreating from their notable annual rite, The Holiday Greeting Card Photo Shoot. Members perform ablutions before appearing on the designated evening, donning traditional tribal dress of white tops (collared for men, modest scoop-neck for women) and khaki bottoms (pleated or flat-front, often embellished with colorful canvas belts). WABs then gather in an outward-facing, motionless cluster, rictuses frozen in an approximation of happiness, until, by tradition, a younger initiate begins to openly weep, or an elder (generally male) succumbs to cravings for scotch and a restroom.

Never a more mismatched pair than a husband/wife serially reading Game of Thrones/Jane Austen:

Rick: “&*#$%.” 

Me: “I’m sure you’ll QUITE forgive me, sir, if I insist you’ve GROSSLY mistaken my intentions in coming here, seeking only bedclothes and the indulgence of a sound night’s rest!”

My son is smiling on the inside.

My son is smiling on the inside.

Summer night babies.

Summer night babies.