Rare footage of the migratory species known as WABs (White American Beachgoers), retreating from their notable annual rite, The Holiday Greeting Card Photo Shoot. Members perform ablutions before appearing on the designated evening, donning traditional tribal dress of white tops (collared for men, modest scoop-neck for women) and khaki bottoms (pleated or flat-front, often embellished with colorful canvas belts). WABs then gather in an outward-facing, motionless cluster, rictuses frozen in an approximation of happiness, until, by tradition, a younger initiate begins to openly weep, or an elder (generally male) succumbs to cravings for scotch and a restroom.

Rare footage of the migratory species known as WABs (White American Beachgoers), retreating from their notable annual rite, The Holiday Greeting Card Photo Shoot. Members perform ablutions before appearing on the designated evening, donning traditional tribal dress of white tops (collared for men, modest scoop-neck for women) and khaki bottoms (pleated or flat-front, often embellished with colorful canvas belts). WABs then gather in an outward-facing, motionless cluster, rictuses frozen in an approximation of happiness, until, by tradition, a younger initiate begins to openly weep, or an elder (generally male) succumbs to cravings for scotch and a restroom.

Never a more mismatched pair than a husband/wife serially reading Game of Thrones/Jane Austen:

Rick: “&*#$%.” 

Me: “I’m sure you’ll QUITE forgive me, sir, if I insist you’ve GROSSLY mistaken my intentions in coming here, seeking only bedclothes and the indulgence of a sound night’s rest!”

My son is smiling on the inside.

My son is smiling on the inside.

Summer night babies.

Summer night babies.

Two can play this Summer game, kids. Want to annoy me? I’ll be singing the Les Miserables soundtrack in Barry Gibb voice until further notice.

Why trips to amusement parks will never change — my piece on Six Flags is up at Huff Post!

You can bet I’ll never set foot in a Hobby Lobby again. To prove my point, I’ll even go so far as to never, ever do another craft w/my kids.

My piece on learning to love crow’s feet is up at HuffPost.

Early Mother’s Day Message

I’ve probably listened to this voicemail from Aud and her best friend 15 times. It’s such a perfect encapsulation of their age — I want to bottle it and uncork it 20 years from now. [ed. note: Aud’s friend and I have a running joke about a dream she once had, where I turned around from the driver’s seat and told her she had a big head.]

“Hi, Mom! It’s Audrey, um, just call me back, in, um before, um, if you, before you go to bed if you receive the message, I guess? Um, I just wanted to say goodnight, and happy early Mother’s Day, and have fun in New York, um, I’ll miss you! And tonight we went to see the Amazing, the second Amazing Spiderman? And it was SO good, and it was awesome and I liked it MORE than the first, and I don’t understand why there were bad reviews for it AT ALL — it’s just sad — but um, also we watched The Carrie Diaries? Which is a really good TV show? And then um — do you wanna talk to her? You, you said you wanted — okay — here’s Anna — sorry, we’re not gonna make you — try not to make this message too long, ‘cause I know you don’t wanna listen to Anna, but— [laughter, muffled voices]

“Gee, THANKS, Audrey. Um, hi Mary Beth! Um, just wanted to say, like, have fun in New York and stuff, um, so yeah! And happy early Mother’s Day, and, um, and yeah, so Spiderman was SO good, oh my GOSH, we were like, SOBBING, when— [muffled voices] and we were like, sobbing, at like, part of it? And it was like, oh my gosh, it was just SO…eh-MO-tional, and oh my gosh it was so good though! Um, and yeah, so— [muffled voices] — just a minute — oh! OH MY GOSH! Okay, my parents? and Pete? didn’t LIKE it, and Pete doesn’t even like Gwen Stacy! Like, what is WRONG with him?! But, um…anyway! Okay, so, happy early Mother’s Day, and by the way, it’s SO offensive what you said about my big head. I’m so offended. That’s so mean, I’m sobbing! Um, alright, Happy Mother’s Day, um, here’s Audrey!”

“Bye! I love you! I’ll…talk to you tomorrow! Uh, love you, bye, good night!”